Man, this film is scary. Scarily bad, that is! I thought that, for Hallowe'en, I'd check out Juicy Silver, a 2023 vampire film from studio Digital Playground and director Lea Lexis. Honestly, I shouldn't have bothered.
Blake Blossom stars as Juicy, a waitress at a diner who spends more time getting railed in the back of a car than serving her customers. Oh, and she's also a dancer at a strip club. Oh, and she's also a vampire slayer. There are some hints to her background, but they don't really deliver on that. When Juicy finally gets round to serving a customer, it turns out he's just waiting for someone. Then we cut to a scene with him fucking some vampire. It feels really disorienting.
At the strip club, Juicy encounters some vampires, but seems to just shrug it off. She makes her way to the diner where she's suddenly in a huge panic. Does she have a split personality or something? Anyway, there she tries to fend off a group of vampires by shooting them with silver bullets, something she's apparently famous for. Except the bullets seem completely ineffective. So what's even the point of them?
Honestly, the story doesn't really make much sense. It's almost as if they just made it up as they went along. There's some really boring exposition about how there are vampire and there are Masters, but I don't want to listen to all that crap. I can't believe they made a vampire film boring!
There are all these characters that come out of nowhere. Some random pool party for no reason. It's worse in that respect than Tommy Wiseau's The Room. In fact, to quote that film, I had this thought many, many times: What are these characters doing here? You can barely hear the dialogue anyway.
I was minded to give up after just the first part. But I persisted. To be fair, there are some interesting editing techniques, such as a few points where it goes split screen. But that's not enough to make a crap film bearable. Crap story, crap acting, crap audio. I don't always comment on the sex scenes, but they even managed to fuck those up, too! The final part of the film has two sex scenes that they intersperse clips of. Back and forth between the two sex scenes. It might sound innovative, but it's just crap. Avoid this film. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.
★☆☆☆☆ 1/5